Simple essais littéraire ou reflet d'une vie ?
En espérant que tu iras mieux le plus vite possible...
Courage. Bisous
Matt

First, I'd like to congratulate you as you have style (and you give good face) and an evident easiness with the use of French words. Probably many must have already told you this, but I haven’t, so here it goes: have you ever considered writing novels or short stories? If not, you should give it a shot as it will be sad that such an amazing potential would go unused. Second, as Matt inserted a few minutes before me, is it a pure essay reflecting the latest celebration of Halloween or a mere metaphor or life? In the first case, even the clubs which were celebrating the festival were less creepy (this last sentence is being used in a really positive sense.)
In the second (nut)case, that says a lot and I'm far to be a shrink.
I believe that they are no accident in life and sometimes what you think is a sign for you is merely a message for another. When you look at the big picture, you may be able to see it and share what your knowledge is about. That always goes back to the same and eternal subject: when do we know that it is time to let go? Let go of a friend, of a job, of a trait, of a lover, of a partner, you name it. What death is about besides being the ultimate letting go of everything, even if it was voluntary or not? Even though it was Halloween lately, letting go when you’re alive is one of the most difficult thing to achieve, especially when you know it may hurt you at some stage. It makes you uncomfortable. But what is being uncomfortable at the first place, except the action of going outside your comfort zone. This big (and illusionary) routine we’re all striving to built around us to make us feel good about ourselves, or not, but there is a thin line between good and bad, isn’t it? By being in a comfort zone, we’re likely to fall into complacency, or namely routine. I do not suggest that routine is a negative thing, but it is what pertain us in our illusions of what life should really be. Society taught us to be complying to a certain scheme, or is it our internal feelings? Namely, growing up, getting a job, a partner, eventually some kids, buying a house. Frustration may come along when one notices that the neighbour has better things than one has or achieved more than one did. What is the purpose of life, if they won’t be any challenges to overcome and help us grow and understand why life functions this way and not another?
Why the routine we are all striving for is not satisfying us while we thought at the first place it would have? Because it may be only a pure illusion, as we may have created more chaos in our lives rather than harmony. Receiving for oneself alone seemed to have been the best option at that time. That was our choice and it shaped our lives.
We're spending every moment of our life making choices, either they are good or bad. But we’re the ones who make them and no one else. In example, we are the one who stay in a relationship even though it is an unhealthy one. Because it is easier that way, isn’t it? It is our choice to stay in a job that we don’t like and which we complain about all the time around, but it is also our choice in the evening to go back home and to sit in front of the telly set for hours giving the fake excuse we had a strenuous day and we’re too tired to surf for another position. We can blame our parents for our career choice, we can blame our lover for not giving us enough satisfaction, we can blame our friends for not being present enough, we can blame our boss for being intolerant, and we can blame the state for our overall misery. When it comes to takes responsibilities you’re your own action, think about who made the choice not to change career to the one you think may have suited you, just because it would have been an hassle (or uncomfortable.) Who made the choice to let believe that your lover was the one and you were completely happy about the situation, because you were afraid he / she might leave you and not being understanding? Who took the decision to be busy all the time or be to your friends what you are expecting from them. What is our boss’s intolerance if merely our own intolerance about similar things. Finally, you are the one who decided to let the states take the decision for you and went with the flow, instead of being proactive. After all, we’re the one who made those choices, so we’re the one who can make new ones. Time to let go of all of those traits you think that others may have and bother you so much. Time to go out of your comfort zone, because when it is uncomfortable to you then this is the right time to widen your capacity.
I permit to re-quote myself on my own site... with a dedication :)

The previous entry was a mere inspiration after reading the text, the following will be my feedback:

Why? Why? WHY?
The question is pondering in my head quite heavily. I am looking at my hands. They are drenched in blood.
WHY ME?
Yes, I want an answer to the question. I want to understand what just happened to me.
WHY? WHY ME?
I have to say I just had a bad day. If I had to compare it with the 10 worst days in my life, that one will be on top of the list and will be filling the 9 other slots.
It all started in the morning when I woke up... late. I was a fucking hour late on the day I was having my appraisal at work. You guess I didn't have time to shave or even shower. I knew I shouldn't have gone out the previous night. I should have said no to Karen.
Well, I should have said no to her the day she asked me out. Since then seeing her had been a nightmare, but the sex was good. I think this is the reason why I kept going back to her despite the fact I couldn't stand her point of views. You see no women before Karen made me feel like I was a real man. They usually kept diminishing me.
When I met her, she said she wanted to talk. I was surprised because we were usually having sex before talking, but this evening she said she wanted to speak first. I knew straight away that something was wrong. And she started to say that she was not happy with me. She was not happy of me because she was not satisfied. She wanted more and I didn't give it to her. Then, she added that she was tired of me coming to see in order to fuck her and eventually talked to her, and never the contrary. I was stunned because this is what I thought she liked. She finished by saying that we couldn't see each other anymore, she asked me to leave and not to call back anymore.
I didn't agree with that decision, so we argued more. It went violent. I hit her twice on her face. She cried and I was ashamed because it is not me to act like this. I am a nice person. I am usually not violent.
I let her on the ground of her apartment, crying and holding her hurt cheek. She yelled that she will call the police and got me arrested for having hit her on the face. She screamed I was a filthy bastard and I felt diminished.
After leavin her flat, I went to the first bar and drunk myself up until I got thrown out of the bar because the owner saw I was going to be trouble. It was already three in the morning and I didn't know how to get back home. I didn't have enough cash for paying a taxi fare. I walked all my way home. It took me two hours because I got lost. I can't tell you at what time I went to bed, but I woke up late. An hour late.

I look at the street's light reflecting on the piece of steel that I dropped earlier on the ground. It is stained. It is dirty by the colour of life and by the weight of my action. My vision starts to blur. Tears are coming up. I try to retain them but it is hard. It is hard because of what I did. Because I just reacted to the chain of event.

I arrived at work, soaked in my sweat mixed to the dry smell of the previous nights cigarettes. The strong odour made me feel sick and I realized I hadn't eaten for twenty four hours. My manager in line wasn't waiting for me anymore, but I was asked not to do anything until she could receive me.
I entered to her office and she was staring at me intensively. Her eyes were cross. I saw she was not happy. Then she spoke for an hour. She listed the few things about me she considered was benefitial for the company, then she exposed an endless list of all the things that would justify my early departure. So that's what I did. I left the office straight away. No leaving party, no present. I was thrown out of the company I've working for years, with nowhere else to go.

I wipe away my tears and I look at him. I've got the impression he is looking at me back but this is impossible. I can hear my heart beats. They are really fast. I feel like I am having a heart attack. I feel dizzy and lay down on the ground, next to him.

I staid the whole afternoon in a dodgy bar downtown. I think I must have been drinking a bottle of whisky on my own. The bar tender didn't care because there was no one all afternoon long. So I kept him company and he was a good listener. I told him my story with Karen, with the girls before Karen. I told him my version of fact about my job as well.

Then I gave up. I was tired complaining. I went out and ran to the first cash exchange store in the area. I bought a gun and a knife. I wanted to finish everything. I didn't want to go on. I wanted to be left alone forever.
I stepped out of the store and walked to a quiet street. I armed the gun and was going to place the barrel on my forehead when a dog ran towards me. He started jumping all around, happily. I couldn't stand it. I beat him up. I heard screaming. That was the owner running towards me saying that I was a murdered. But I was not. I just hurt the dog. It was still alive.
I kept being screamed at. I knew what I did was awful and I shouldn't have hurt the dog. The dog had nothing to do with my condition.
I kept being screamed at and I couldn't stand it. I still had my finger on the trigger. I lost control and I shot. Not at me but on the dog's owner. The bullet went through his body, which fell heavily on the ground. It was still breathing, and I wanted to finish it. I couldn't fire anymore because I was afraid I would alert someone in the neighbourhood. I took my knife and stabbed the body twice.


Now on, I look at the body and I am being asked to touch the wound... I executed. I am horrified and fascinated at the same time... Horrified because of all the blood on my hand. Fascinated because I am taking someone else’s life. I close my eyes.

When I re-open them, I realize that I am lying in my own bed. I look at my alarm clock just to see that I am an hour late for appraisal. I will not go, I know what will happen if I am going. I’ll stay in bed instead…

Let's say (in a nutshell) that 'fate' is also something you choose to believe in, like being influenced by the starsigns in example. It is all about how society designed us to be, which means that when you're sick, you get pills for immediate (and most of the case short term) relief; when you've got cancer, you're doomed to die; when you've got over 80 you're useless, and so on... No offence to anyone, these examples are meant to illustrate and may not be representative. We forget how much our mind is powerful, but it comes with drawbacks. Let's say it's like radio and accordingly broadcast good network or bad network. It's up to the owner to choose the right broadcast to listen to (I know not that easy to distinguish!) But do not forget that this is the very same mind which broadcast negative frequency telling you that you must be sad because life sucks and cruels, or underlines that you're not a genius.